When Border Patrol Chief Gregory Bovino was pulled from his job after a series of inept shootings and other altercations involving protesters, other administration officials began to sense that his wasn’t the only job at risk. Chief among them was Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, who quickly began formulating ways that she could protect her own position and avoid what she has begun to call in private “another fucking Cricket problem.”
By Tuesday, she had a plan.
“It is wrong, wrong, wrong that ICE agents are wasting expensive ammunition on these protesters,” Secretary Noem said from an undisclosed ICE fortress somewhere in the Midwest. “The American people have been paying for these bullets, and they are sick of it. No longer! From this point on, if an ICE agent empties his gun into a protester, those bullets are coming out of his or her bonus.
“At 30 cents a pop, you can bet these agents will think twice before pumping 10 bullets into a person. What is that, like $2.50? Problem solved. Now can we get back to the business of gathering up children as bait and deporting social media critics of this amazing administration?”
The ICE Cash Reclaimed for Efficient Ammunition Management program (ICE CREAM) is expected to be up and running by February 1st.
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