More than a week after lighting up the congressional hearing where she was called to perform, US Attorney General Pam Bondi and her staff still find themselves executing high fives and giggle uncontrollably at random moments throughout their days. The hours-long masterclass put on by the attorney general was an almost perfect blend of fourth-grade schoolyard scrapping, redneck drunken insults, and in your face MAGA domination.
Almost.
“The original plan called for Pam to flip off the Democratic representatives, stack her burn folders into a makeshift privacy screen, and take a nice juicy dump on the witness table before yelling ‘Let’s roll!’ and storming off with her entourage,” says a source close to the attorney general’s office. “So, missed opportunity there.”
Apparently the plan to “leave everything on the table” abruptly changed at some point during hour four of the hearing.
“President Trump was in the Oval Office signing The Stop Restraining Yourself, Voluntary Seatbelt YOLO Law of 2026 when he literally shit his pants, quickly clearing the room of the gathered school children, nuns, and other invited dignitaries,” the source said, then shrugged.
“Can’t upstage The Boss.”
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