When US Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem told the press last week that President Trump told her to paint the border wall black so that it would “heat up like a griddle waiting on a tortilla,” the response was overwhelmingly negative. Many of those responses were along similar lines, such as:
Q: What happens after the sun goes down and the fence cools?
The administration was quick to answer.
“In addition to painting it black, we are also planning on adding a door every mile. 2000 of them, to be exact,” said a White House source who spoke off the record.
Q: Uh, doors? Wouldn’t that make it easier for people to just sneak across the border?
“Not if we used really rusty, squeaky hinges with them,” the source said. “6000 rusty hinges, to be exact. Three per door. Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! Oh, hi border patrol. I surrender, deport me.”
Another issue is the cost, which is estimated to be somewhere in the area of $30-$40 million. Experts predict Trump will need 704,000 gallons of paint to cover just one side of the 2000 mile fence.
Q: $30-$40 million. Isn’t that a bit excessive?
“Not at all,” said the source. “In fact, I can’t name names yet, but we have a company that is even willing to throw in 8000 gallons of gold paint for free. What a deal!”
Q: Gold paint?
“Oh, you can do a lot with gold paint. For instance and just off the top of my head: The Statue of Liberty. Now there’s a girl in need of a touch up,” the source said.
Q: Couldn’t you just use paint left over from the wall?
“A black Statue of Liberty? This interview is fucking over.”
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