Whether it was the Sunday morning political shows or knocking down geriatric senators to claim the closest available mic first, Lindsey Graham loved to make the news.
Being dead hasn’t slowed him down much in that regard.
Plans to bury Graham at the Trump National Golf Course in Charlotte, NC abruptly fell through last week when someone on the White House staff suddenly figured out that the former SC senator would probably not be warmly welcomed in NC soil, regardless of the size of Trump’s tax break for putting him there (see also, Ivana Trump, Bedminister). A late night burial plotting session among Trump advisors came up with what even Trump had to agree was a damn good place to park the former politician.
And Greenland found itself in the news again.
“He was flown in last week and buried in a nice spot of perafrost just outside of Pituffik Space Base,” said a White House source speaking off the record. “By Saturday there was a concession stand set up, and by Sunday all the props from the Great American State Fair had been flown in and reconstructed.”
Q.: Even the cheesy paper mache arch?
“Oh yeah. The arch, the Ferris wheel, the America First Jesus exhibit… we got all the State Fair stuff. On Thursday we break ground on the Lindsey Graham Memorial Museum, which will expand the security perimeter. Next week we’re adding to the Pituffik Space Base airstrip, and beginning construction on the Trump Arctic Riviera Resort & Casino, which will expand the security perimeter.
“The museum will open in September, which will expand the security perimeter,” the source said. “The Resort & Casino itself will open just in time for Christmas. Eric AND Lara Trump will be on hand to dedicate it.”
Q.: Which will expand the security perimeter?
“We’re up to about half the island at that point thanks to the security perimeter, all ours. Tense diplomatic back and forth all winter long, blah blah blah. By the time President Trump lands at Fort McConnell and takes Kay Granger Boulevard out to see his Resort in person, the American people, to a person, will be all in favor of our taking the entire island,” the source said. “By any means necessary. Because apparently Senator Graham was beloved. In retrospect.”
In a sure sign that this is not just another Trump “TACO” moment, there is already, actually, merch.
“We’ve got beer cozies and coffee mugs, name your poison,” the source said, his hands suddenly full of red, white, and blue beverage accessories. The gold script on them, reading “Grahamland,” shone brightly in the dim light of our alleyway meetup spot.
Q.: Grahamland. Not Trumpland?
“Eh, it’s on the table. Politics is a process. You know?”
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