Soy bean farms in America have had, suffice it to say, a rough year.
After voting almost en-masse for Donald Trump in his second presidential run, they have been pummeled by rising tariffs that have caused the price of everything from fertilizer to farming equipment to rise. The same tariffs have shrunk their markets, driving massive buyers like China into the arms of Argentina, a country that Trump just gave $40 billion to.
Add in the ICE raids that have evaporated their nearly slave-wage workforce, and soy bean farmers in American have had a very rough year, indeed.
Hold my beer, says US Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
“People eat soy beans. People get autism. I’m not sure how more clear that can be,” said Acting Undersecretary of Health and Human Services T.C. Tangiers. “People use the phrase ‘soy boys’ very divisively. Don’t you think there is a good reason for that?”
While the administration has stopped short of making soy illegal on the federal level, they are urging all Americans to voluntarily avoid all soy in their diet and focus more on “approved American protein” choices like thick Argentinian steaks, Ballpark franks, or the newly-launched Trump Baloney luncheon meat line.
As far as the farmers themselves, Acting Undersecretary Tangiers offered this advice.
“Well, they should be growing something better, something other than soy beans,” Tangiers said. “Like tobacco, or French fry plants.”
Farmers will also be getting bailouts, which will work a little different than when President Trump screwed them and had to bail them all out in his first term.
“Well, cash is still king, and a contribution to the Big Beautiful Ballroom fund will get you a pretty good position in the bailout line. President Trump will also be accepting tributes in the form of the ‘Trump branding’ that farmers will be encouraged to add to the sides of their barns,” Tangiers said. “The bigger the letters T-R-U-M-P, the bigger the bailout.
“But don’t even think about doing it in Calibri font.”
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