Soybean farmers across the country are beginning to feel the pinch of President Trump’s continuing tariff wars. This has become particularly acute in light of China’s decision to forgo US soybeans and buy from more stable countries, such as Argentina.
Farmers praying for help from the administration had their prayers sort-of answered on Friday, but it was not in the form of the monetary bailouts that many had been counting on.
“Corn mazes are huge, and what seasonal fun! Why not soybean mazes?” asked Acting Undersecretary of Agriculture Daniel “Rusty D” Jones at a Friday morning press conference.
“Seriously, soy farmers: don’t harvest. Just cut an elaborate maze into your crops – like Spiderman battling Antifa, or maybe a giant President Trump, on a horse, weilding a broadsword – and people will flock to your farms,” Jones said. “No immigrants needed,. Just your most mathy kid with a coffee can at the entrance, and you’re going to see amazing profits, pun intended.
“I bet you Biden never came up with great bootstrap ideas like this, now did you?”
Mazes Are Great America! still faces a variety of logistical problems before it can be rolled out nationwide. Such as:
- With over 270,000 soy farmers in the U.S., are over 270,000 mazes really going to be able to pull large enough crowds to be profitable?
- Most soybeans grow 1-3 feet tall. Will farmers be able to provide blindfolds to all their visitors to make the knee-high mazes more challenging?
- Online right-wing influencers such as @twocatsdoingit have warned that excessive exposure to the soy mazes will cause boys to sprout boobs (“Will Marky go in a mummy and come out a mommy? Think of the children!!!” screamed one viral tweet).
Acting Undersecretary of Agriculture Jones was vague on the particulars on Friday, but he did offer to sweeten the deal in one key way.
“We are in talks with ICE to essentially ‘rent’ its agents to soy maze farmers for a small fee,” said Jones. “Big guys in masks with cattle prods and chainsaws chasing kids through a Spinal Tap-scale soy maze… scary, right?”
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