Former congressman Robert F. Kennedy took over as President Trump’s Secretary of Health & Human Services two months ago, and since then the agency has generated a wealth of ideas… and controversy. From advocating that people take massive amounts of vitamin A to ward off measles to attacks on vaccinations, seed oil, and fluoride in water, Kennedy has floated a lot of trial balloons but enacted very few of them in his short stint as one of the nation’s top health officials.
Until now.
On Thursday morning, a spokesman for the HHS confirmed that the agency is preparing to upend the delivery method of one of the more controversial medications – the de-worming paste Ivermectin – and make it more accessible to the masses.
“And more fun!” said the spokesman, speaking off the record pending an official announcement. “It’s normally like toothpaste, right? But by introducing a binder, we can make it in into a solid, and dispense it like this…”
The spokesman help up a plastic item, which generations of American’s would quickly recognize as a Pez candy dispenser. The dispenser used to be something else – perhaps Sonic the Hedgehog – but someone has taken after it with colored markers, to the point where, if you squint just right, the iconic red tie, blond mass of product-frozen hair, and orange skin mark it as an attempt to depict the current president.
The spokesman thumbs the candy dispenser, and a single tiny golden brick emerged from the gaping hole of the thing’s head.
“Instant Covid protection, you eat a few of these. The kids we hire to hang around for photo opps love it! And the dispenser is a mock-up. The Trump Pez dispensers are currently being manufactured in Chin… uh, the best factories,” the spokesman said. “When completed, they will be the most impressive Pez dispensers ever. Not even close. Beautiful!”
How many should Americans eat to maximize protection?
“Beats the heck out of me. How many is a finger-full of horse paste?” He rubs his stomach and winces. “Not 80. I can tell you that.”
The administration hopes to roll out the new line of candy/medicine dispensers – to be marketed under the name Prez Says Pez, in time for the 79th Trump Birthday Military Parade Extravaganza and Ho-down (featuring Kid Rock) on July 4th.
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