Within the past two weeks:
- The last remaining member of Sparky & Our Gang is forced into hiding.
- The Old Trump Gang, a seniors bridge league in Tallahassee, is dragged away in handcuffs.
- A Kool & The Gang cover band from Wheeling, West Virginia is having anything but a Celebration in an ICE holding cell in Waco, Texas.
- The Toledo, Ohio Gang Bango Swingers Club is raided five times by various departments of the US Government, including the HHS, DHS, IRS, and TNA (a subsidiary of Elon, Inc).
What’s going on?
“Well, I can tell you one thing: it is not a joint operation of DOGE and the Department of Homeland Security, that’s for sure,” says a source with familiarity of the non-operation. “Nor would it have anything to do with an algorithm that we threw together during spring break getting, uh, overzealous. Some might say rogue-ish.”
Further expanding on his theoretical hypothesis, the source speculates that such a hypothetical operation would have likely benefited from some layer of middle-management being involved in the process. Which did not exist (neither layer nor process).
In this fictional alternate timeline, the algorithm built by a handful of alpha males fueled by tequila, early-stage chlamydia, and sand would somehow, inexplicably…
“Fuck up, bad,” says the source. “It was supposed to crawl the Internet and find mentions of gangs. You know, darker guys, drugs, guns? Then it would email targets to ICE, their off-book contractors, a few other official and not so official players, and voila! Problem solved.
“Except it worked for like five minutes, then it started sending out deportation warrants on everything from daycare establishments to men’s grooming clubs. And we forgot the password because Cancun. And if the recent raids on Evelyn Gauge in Fresno, California and the Fred Granges Good Wheels Garage in Harrison, Maine are any indication…
“It’s getting worse. Hypothetically. Warn Gaga!”
In terms of the average American caught up in this theoretical situation, the future looks bleak.
“Well, you had better like a much warmer climate, particularly if you have darker skin, an uncommon name, or tats that might trigger a 30 year old white guy,” says amateur legal analyst and social influencer Danny K. “The white bridge-playing older folks might be able to stay in-country, so long as that ‘Old Trump Gang’ name was a cards thing and wasn’t some sort of a mean dig. And so long as they pay the Trump toll.
“Theoretically.”
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