Trump Plan to Drive Soy Farmers To “Amazing Profits”

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Soybean farmers across the country are beginning to feel the pinch of President Trump’s continuing tariff wars. This has become particularly acute in light of China’s decision to forgo US soybeans and buy from more stable countries, such as Argentina.

Farmers praying for help from the administration had their prayers sort-of answered on Friday, but it was not in the form of the monetary bailouts that many had been counting on.

“Corn mazes are huge, and what seasonal fun! Why not soybean mazes?” asked Acting Undersecretary of Agriculture Daniel “Rusty D” Jones at a Friday morning press conference.

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Cracker Barrel Continues to Squirm in the Branding Barrel

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Cracker barrel, it is safe to say, has had an interesting couple of weeks.

First, they leapt onto the “minimalist branding” wagon by removing the familiar old man and barrel that had been on its logo since 1977. Queue the large outcry from the small number of online posters who feel existentially threatened by such moves.

And they were successful, these shit-posters. The company’s stock plunged. Late night comedians made jokes. And less than 10 days after changing to the more simplified logo, Cracker Barrel changed the logo back to the original old man/cracker barrel design. They also removed DEI and Pride pages from their website in an attempt to “un-woke” itself as much as possible.

And they weren’t done.

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Paint It Black: Trump’s Border Wall Touch Up Faces Push-back

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When US Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem told the press last week that President Trump told her to paint the border wall black so that it would “heat up like a griddle waiting on a tortilla,” the response was overwhelmingly negative. Many of those responses were along similar lines, such as:

Q: What happens after the sun goes down and the fence cools?

The administration was quick to answer.

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President’s Papal Jaunt Yields Mixed Results

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The White House had three specific goals when it flew the president and first lady to Rome for Pope Francis’ funeral.

The first – strong arm Ukraine, again – was largely successful, as pictures of Presidents Trump and Zelensky huddled at the Vatican can attest. Sources close to the meeting say that Trump succeeded in his efforts to get the Ukraine president to wear a suit in the near future, while Zelensky elicited promises from Trump that the United States will hold off on plans to begin shipping arms to Russia.

The second – keep the US president from doing stupid shit while there – was considered less successful. From being the only blue suit in a sea of black to using a cell phone and falling asleep during the service (once, notably, at the same time), President Trump did not exactly make any new world leader friends during his overseas trip.

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Trump Wins Egg Roll Coloring Competition

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There were two big winners at this week’s White House Easter Egg Hunt. The first was the American people, who have been relieved by the knowledge that the nation’s long-standing egg crisis must surely be over if the administration can waste 30,000 of them on a South Lawn photo-op.

The second was President Trump himself, whose Crayola rendering of the Tesla-sponsored official printable WhiteHouseColoringPageForKids.jpg took first prize in the 12 and over category.

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War on Gangs Snares Kool & The Gang Cover Band

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Within the past two weeks:

  • The last remaining member of Sparky & Our Gang is forced into hiding.
  • The Old Trump Gang, a seniors bridge league in Tallahassee, is dragged away in handcuffs.
  • A Kool & The Gang cover band from Wheeling, West Virginia is having anything but a Celebration in an ICE holding cell in Waco, Texas.
  • The Toledo, Ohio Gang Bango Swingers Club is raided five times by various departments of the US Government, including the HHS, DHS, IRS, and TNA (a subsidiary of Elon, Inc).

What’s going on?

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Bubble Gum Cigarettes, Pop Rocks, Circus Peanuts… Ivermectin?

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Former congressman Robert F. Kennedy took over as President Trump’s Secretary of Health & Human Services two months ago, and since then the agency has generated a wealth of ideas… and controversy. From advocating that people take massive amounts of vitamin A to ward off measles to attacks on vaccinations, seed oil, and fluoride in water, Kennedy has floated a lot of trial balloons but enacted very few of them in his short stint as one of the nation’s top health officials.

Until now.

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With Trump In Attendance, You Won’t See This at The Super Bowl

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When Super Bowl LIX kicks off on Sunday, security is expected to be extremely tight for a number of reasons. The game is a prime terrorism target due to its massive reach, and it will be packed with celebrities, from Taylor Swift to Donald Trump. But one group of well-trained security personnel are there for a very specific reason.

“The President’s exact order was: ‘If any of those bastards kneel, they’ll be begging Allah at Guantanamo before the word “canyousee” is sung’,” said a White House source.

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